Five Steps to Finding Real, Lasting Love
I will never forget the day I decided to walk away from my marriage. It was the year I would be turning 30. The year I was supposed to start having my life together and growing into the best version of myself. Instead, I was broke, unhappy with myself and my life, and facing the reality that my marriage was over, and I was officially becoming a statistic. In that moment, if someone would have told me I’d find true love in the years to come, I would have laughed in their face. Or maybe tried to fight them. I don’t know. In that moment though, it seemed impossible. I also knew the other statistic. The one about being more likely to divorce in a second marriage. My love life was doomed for sure
Despite thinking that day that I’d be forever single, I did end up going on to find real love. A healthy relationship based on love and respect. One where I’m seen and valued. But it didn’t happen overnight, and it certainly took some work to get there.
Here are the steps I recommend to help you find the love of your life:
1.Take some time to work on you.
Aww. Did you think we’d get straight to the dating part?
Nope! This journey starts with none other than YOU.
When I got divorced, the one thing I didn’t want to do was jump into another relationship, with all my baggage (we all have it, and most of us have a lot), and end up just another statistic – divorced again. So, I went to work on myself. The goal was simple: self-reflection. I had to take a good hard look at myself in the mirror and find the parts of me that were difficult to love.
I realized quickly that even though the marriage ended for a few big reasons, my behavior definitely played a role in it. I realized after some self-reflection that I had a short fuse when I didn’t get my way, and that many times I acted like a child. This was baggage that needed to go. I also realized that I avoided tough conversations. Something that definitely poses a problem in a relationship that thrives on solid communication. Check. I gossiped to my friends about how terrible my marriage was. To the point where my friends got tired of hearing about it because they knew I wasn’t going anywhere. And many other revelations were realized during this time as well – all of which I’ll save for the book I’ll write someday – too juicy for the blog!
The bottom line is, this isn’t necessarily going to be a pleasant time. It takes commitment to do this. It takes a real desire to want more and trust that something amazing is on the other side of this process. It also gets more fun as you get rid of some baggage and really fall in love with yourself.
Here are some things that can help:
Read, read, read! Personal development books can be your best friend here! Find the topics you need help with and get to work!
If you can afford it or insurance covers it, get a therapist! The best thing I have EVER done for myself was worked with therapists. They can help you uncover painful events from your past that are holding you back in certain areas of your life. They can help you realize unhealthy traits about yourself and help you fix them. Do not underestimate the power of a good therapist!
Pray a lot. We will get to this more, but for now pray for clarity. Pray for revelation. Pray for grace.
Have your friends pray for you. If you don’t have any praying friends, it’s time to find some! If you really do need prayer – send me a message and I’m happy to pray for you or with you.
This is a VITAL step, so take it serious. Fall in love with YOU, and love will find you.
2. Learn to be alone
Wait, what? Yep. Still not dating yet.
During your journey of self-reflection, learn to be alone. So many people are just terrified to be alone. So. Many. People! Don’t be those people. You can do this – I believe in you. I took a whole year to do this. Now, you don’t have to take that long, but be ok with just being single for a while as you go through this.
Eat dinner alone, go to the movies alone, travel alone. The more you can be comfortable being by yourself, the less likely you are to pick the wrong person simply because you’re lonely.
And I get it. Loneliness sucks. Especially if you’ve just gone through a breakup. Or if you haven’t. We’re relational creatures that thrive on connection. It’s in our DNA. If you are having a really hard time being alone, then get with your friends and connect that way. Make sure you’re connecting with friends who support you in this and want the best for you though – not the ones who want to get you out on the town to mingle. The whole idea here is to emerge on the other side as a whole person…not a half of a person looking for their other half. A whole, healthy person will attract another whole and healthy person. So suck it up buttercup and get to enjoying your own company for a bit.
3. Make a list of what you want
Not quite to the dating part yet, but we are making progress!
Once you’ve dealt with your own baggage and have learned to be by yourself so you don’t have to rely on someone else, it’s time to start thinking about your person.
Get out a piece of paper, your journal, or computer and write out the top qualities you want in a partner. I’m talking about the non-negotiables. Are they loyal? Do they need to be taller than you? Hey, this was important to me! It’s ok. This is your list. Write it all out – what you really truly want in the person you plan to spend forever with.
This is very important, so don’t just do this in your head. Jot it down on paper, because you’re going to need to go back to this a lot!
4. Pray, girl!
Next – you’re going to pray over this list. Every. Single. Day. If you can trust God to do big things in other areas of your life, you can trust God to bring the right person into your life. He did for me, and this is exactly what I did. Read over your list every day and thank God for this person. Pray that they are being pruned and primed just like you are for the time that you two will meet.
I know this might sound silly if you’re not the big praying type. But if you’re not the big praying type, then maybe this is the time to start. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain!
So. Read your list. Pray. Repeat.
5. Go on dates!
Yassss. We’re finally here. I told you this takes a little work. If you’ve done the work up to this point, you are ready to find your match.
I will say, while dating is fun and all, it’s also a little exhausting. Especially if you’re over your mid-twenties, divorced or broken-up, or just truly on a mission to find your forever person (isn’t that what dating is for?). But try to enjoy the process! If anything, you get some great stories to tell your friends down the road.
Ok, I’m not going to get into dating too much on this particular post because I could go on forever, and if you’re single, you’ve probably got some experience in this arena.
But here is the difference this time:
Whatever avenue you choose – blind dates, dating apps (I met my hubs on Tinder, heyyy), going out on the town – don’t forget about your list.
When you meet the most dreamiest of dreamy and they start to sweep you off your feet, before you get your head too far up in the clouds, take a minute to grab that list! Do they align? Do they meet those qualities you listed as non-negotiables. I’m not talking about meeting 50% of the requirements. I’m talking about 100% match of what you wrote out on that paper. Don’t go making exceptions because they’re beautiful or have nice abs. Those things fade. If it’s not a 100% match, that’s not your person.
I’ll say that again. If it’s not a 100% match, that’s not your person.
I can’t even tell you the amount of McDreamy’s I met who swept me straight up off my feet at first, but then when I checked my list – my vision of what I truly wanted – they fell short. And it sucked in the moment and I wanted to just say, “well, that’s ok.” But I didn’t, and I’d let them go. And Every. Single. Time. That person ended up being someone that would not have been good for me. I would later find out that they were unfaithful (thank God for the “People You May Know” on Facebook – another story for another time), or that their values didn’t align with mine, or whatever else. That list can be your life-line if you let it!
And from there, just keep dating – it’s how you meet people! Don’t be afraid to date someone who isn’t “your type.” Maybe your type sucks and you need a new type. Be open to meeting people, and trust that God is working on your behalf.
So that’s it. I leave you here. Dating and being a boss, knowing EXACTLY what you want in a relationship, knowing the WORTH and VALUE you bring to the table, and knowing that you’re OK being alone in the interim.
