Five Steps to Finding Real, Lasting Love
I will never forget the day I decided to walk away from my marriage. It was the year I would be turning 30. The year I was supposed to start having my life together and growing into the best version of myself. Instead, I was broke, unhappy with myself and my life, and facing the reality that my marriage was over, and I was officially becoming a statistic. In that moment, if someone would have told me I’d find true love in the years to come, I would have laughed in their face. Or maybe tried to fight them. I don’t know. In that moment though, it seemed impossible. I also knew the other statistic. The one about being more likely to divorce in a second marriage. My love life was doomed for sure
Despite thinking that day that I’d be forever single, I did end up going on to find real love. A healthy relationship based on love and respect. One where I’m seen and valued. But it didn’t happen overnight, and it certainly took some work to get there.
Here are the steps I recommend to help you find the love of your life:
1.Take some time to work on you.
Aww. Did you think we’d get straight to the dating part?
Nope! This journey starts with none other than YOU.
When I got divorced, the one thing I didn’t want to do was jump into another relationship, with all my baggage (we all have it, and most of us have a lot), and end up just another statistic – divorced again. So, I went to work on myself. The goal was simple: self-reflection. I had to take a good hard look at myself in the mirror and find the parts of me that were difficult to love.
I realized quickly that even though the marriage ended for a few big reasons, my behavior definitely played a role in it. I realized after some self-reflection that I had a short fuse when I didn’t get my way, and that many times I acted like a child. This was baggage that needed to go. I also realized that I avoided tough conversations. Something that definitely poses a problem in a relationship that thrives on solid communication. Check. I gossiped to my friends about how terrible my marriage was. To the point where my friends got tired of hearing about it because they knew I wasn’t going anywhere. And many other revelations were realized during this time as well – all of which I’ll save for the book I’ll write someday – too juicy for the blog!
The bottom line is, this isn’t necessarily going to be a pleasant time. It takes commitment to do this. It takes a real desire to want more and trust that something amazing is on the other side of this process. It also gets more fun as you get rid of some baggage and really fall in love with yourself.
Here are some things that can help:
Read, read, read! Personal development books can be your best friend here! Find the topics you need help with and get to work!
If you can afford it or insurance covers it, get a therapist! The best thing I have EVER done for myself was worked with therapists. They can help you uncover painful events from your past that are holding you back in certain areas of your life. They can help you realize unhealthy traits about yourself and help you fix them. Do not underestimate the power of a good therapist!
Pray a lot. We will get to this more, but for now pray for clarity. Pray for revelation. Pray for grace.
Have your friends pray for you. If you don’t have any praying friends, it’s time to find some! If you really do need prayer – send me a message and I’m happy to pray for you or with you.
This is a VITAL step, so take it serious. Fall in love with YOU, and love will find you.
2. Learn to be alone
Wait, what? Yep. Still not dating yet.
During your journey of self-reflection, learn to be alone. So many people are just terrified to be alone. So. Many. People! Don’t be those people. You can do this – I believe in you. I took a whole year to do this. Now, you don’t have to take that long, but be ok with just being single for a while as you go through this.
Eat dinner alone, go to the movies alone, travel alone. The more you can be comfortable being by yourself, the less likely you are to pick the wrong person simply because you’re lonely.
And I get it. Loneliness sucks. Especially if you’ve just gone through a breakup. Or if you haven’t. We’re relational creatures that thrive on connection. It’s in our DNA. If you are having a really hard time being alone, then get with your friends and connect that way. Make sure you’re connecting with friends who support you in this and want the best for you though – not the ones who want to get you out on the town to mingle. The whole idea here is to emerge on the other side as a whole person…not a half of a person looking for their other half. A whole, healthy person will attract another whole and healthy person. So suck it up buttercup and get to enjoying your own company for a bit.
3. Make a list of what you want
Not quite to the dating part yet, but we are making progress!
Once you’ve dealt with your own baggage and have learned to be by yourself so you don’t have to rely on someone else, it’s time to start thinking about your person.
Get out a piece of paper, your journal, or computer and write out the top qualities you want in a partner. I’m talking about the non-negotiables. Are they loyal? Do they need to be taller than you? Hey, this was important to me! It’s ok. This is your list. Write it all out – what you really truly want in the person you plan to spend forever with.
This is very important, so don’t just do this in your head. Jot it down on paper, because you’re going to need to go back to this a lot!
4. Pray, girl!
Next – you’re going to pray over this list. Every. Single. Day. If you can trust God to do big things in other areas of your life, you can trust God to bring the right person into your life. He did for me, and this is exactly what I did. Read over your list every day and thank God for this person. Pray that they are being pruned and primed just like you are for the time that you two will meet.
I know this might sound silly if you’re not the big praying type. But if you’re not the big praying type, then maybe this is the time to start. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain!
So. Read your list. Pray. Repeat.
5. Go on dates!
Yassss. We’re finally here. I told you this takes a little work. If you’ve done the work up to this point, you are ready to find your match.
I will say, while dating is fun and all, it’s also a little exhausting. Especially if you’re over your mid-twenties, divorced or broken-up, or just truly on a mission to find your forever person (isn’t that what dating is for?). But try to enjoy the process! If anything, you get some great stories to tell your friends down the road.
Ok, I’m not going to get into dating too much on this particular post because I could go on forever, and if you’re single, you’ve probably got some experience in this arena.
But here is the difference this time:
Whatever avenue you choose – blind dates, dating apps (I met my hubs on Tinder, heyyy), going out on the town – don’t forget about your list.
When you meet the most dreamiest of dreamy and they start to sweep you off your feet, before you get your head too far up in the clouds, take a minute to grab that list! Do they align? Do they meet those qualities you listed as non-negotiables. I’m not talking about meeting 50% of the requirements. I’m talking about 100% match of what you wrote out on that paper. Don’t go making exceptions because they’re beautiful or have nice abs. Those things fade. If it’s not a 100% match, that’s not your person.
I’ll say that again. If it’s not a 100% match, that’s not your person.
I can’t even tell you the amount of McDreamy’s I met who swept me straight up off my feet at first, but then when I checked my list – my vision of what I truly wanted – they fell short. And it sucked in the moment and I wanted to just say, “well, that’s ok.” But I didn’t, and I’d let them go. And Every. Single. Time. That person ended up being someone that would not have been good for me. I would later find out that they were unfaithful (thank God for the “People You May Know” on Facebook – another story for another time), or that their values didn’t align with mine, or whatever else. That list can be your life-line if you let it!
And from there, just keep dating – it’s how you meet people! Don’t be afraid to date someone who isn’t “your type.” Maybe your type sucks and you need a new type. Be open to meeting people, and trust that God is working on your behalf.
So that’s it. I leave you here. Dating and being a boss, knowing EXACTLY what you want in a relationship, knowing the WORTH and VALUE you bring to the table, and knowing that you’re OK being alone in the interim.
Creating Bliss Through Your Surroundings
Have you ever had one of those days where you’re just in a mood and you don’t even know where it came from? Like you just woke up, and BAM! Don’t talk to me, don’t look at me, don’t even think about me or you may catch some hands! I know I definitely have. Sometimes there’s just no amount of good coffee that can break me out of that funk.
But I have noticed a theme on these days. When that bad mood just pops up out of nowhere? Yeah, it’s usually coming some SOMEWHERE. And that somewhere is often in my surroundings.
In my years of self-development and growth, one thing I’ve gotten really good at is being very self-aware. Bad moods creep in all the time. I am by no means a happy-all-day-everyday kind of girl. But I’ve gotten to the point where bad moods don’t just happen for the whole day. They happen, I notice, and I go to work to figure out why.
This whole happiness thing that I preach about all the time? It’s not a one-time choice to be happy, and then life is blissful from there on out. Oh no, no. It’s constant effort and constant choice. It’s being self-aware and asking myself lots of questions throughout the day to figure out why I’m feeling certain ways.
So, what do we do when we find ourselves in a mood?
Well, one of the biggest mood-crushers I’ve found over time is my surroundings. We are what we consume every day. I believe that both physically and mentally. Our surroundings, whether we realize it or not, play a huge role in our mood on a daily basis! So, the first step of getting out of that bad mood and into a better one, is by checking in with your surroundings.
Here are my keys to boost your surroundings in order to naturally bring more happiness into your life:
What am I listening to?
Take note of what’s playing in the background. When I’m at work, we have telemetry monitors (heart monitors) for all of our patients that show their heart rates in real time at the desk so that we can see what’s going on with them, even when we’re not in the room. When there is an out-of-range rhythm or rate, the monitors will beep to alert us to check the monitor and to check in on that patient. Well somedays, we will get a patient whose monitor is being finicky, or they have a fast heart rate that hasn’t been controlled yet. When this happens, the monitor goes off constantly. It’s just an alarm, but since the alarm means something is out of range, it sets off an internal alarm for us. Now, throw this in for a whole day (which sometimes happens), not only do you end up emotionally exhausted by the end of the day, but more often than not, you lay down to go to bed at night and still hear those alarms in your head even though you’re no longer at work.
Background noise in everyday life can have this same effect. I know many people like to have the news on as noise in the background, but are you listening to what is actually being said? And more importantly, are you paying attention to what that’s doing to your physiological state? It is likely stressing you out without you even realizing it! What about music in the background? Have you paid attention to the lyrics? I was recently feeling very tense during a workout and was trying to figure out why. I finally stopped and paid attention to the music I was listening to. It was dark and heavy, and I was feeling that!
Regardless of what you’re listening to, take note! Is it positive? Is it encouraging? What is it doing to your internal state?
Here are some of my favorite things to listen to – and these are things I listen to DAILY that truly truly help me to be encouraged and in a great mood:
Worship music or encouraging music – stuff that makes you happy! Sad music is fun sometimes, but we don’t want to be sad. We want to be happy!
Podcasts – I LOVE a good podcast. Now, I don’t listen to the dark stuff. Whatever season I’m in, I find something I can listen to that will serve in that area. Right now I’ve been listening to a lot of small-business stuff. In the past I loved mindset and fitness podcasts. Tony Robbins is great to listen to (not sure if he has an actual podcast, but you can find him anywhere).
Silence is golden – sometimes I like to just go outside and listen to the wind blow. There is beauty in silence if you’re willing to sit still and listen for it.
WHO am I listening to?
Sometimes it’s the people around us that are bringing us down. Have you ever been around that coworker that just drains you? The energy-sucker as I call them. More than likely, that person does a lot of complaining and gossiping. Now I know we can’t wear earmuffs to drown out every Negative Nancy we have to be around, but we can make a conscious decision to not absorb it. Drown it out as much as you can, don’t engage in the conversation with them, and if you do get stuck talking to this person, be the one who lifts the conversation to a higher level.
What am I looking at?
If you’re sitting at your desk, staring down a stack of bills, it might be hard for you to be really happy or pleasant (however, I have another way of viewing this that I’ll save for another post). But you can take a break. Take a moment to change your scenery. Get outside, or even just get to a window to change the view. What we see can play a big part in our mood, so be aware of what you’re staring at all day. If your social media feed is all negative, then maybe it’s time to follow some different accounts. And again, with the news playing. If you’re staring at doom and gloom all day, there is a good chance you’ll be feeling doom and gloom all day. Instead, set your computer or TV screen to display photos of your loved ones, watch an uplifting movie, or turn it off altogether.
The mind will start to believe what the eyes show it all day, so be careful what you’re letting in.
Physical surroundings – icing on the cake
As I write this right now, I’m sitting out on my back patio. The sun is shining, it’s a beautiful 60 degrees, and there is a perfect breeze in the air. Days like this don’t happen all the time in the Midwest, so when they do, I make a conscious effort to get outside. I encourage you to do the same. Sunshine is so good for us! If you can get out into it, do it! When I’m at work, I will often go have my lunch in front of the big windows of the hospital (unless it’s nice, and then you better believe I’m out on the patio!). It’s a short break in a long day, but that little bit of sunshine really helps get me through the rest of my shift.
If you love the snow – get out in it when you can! If you live by the beach – please PLEASE tell me that you’re taking advantage of that situation!
The bottom line is this: I believe getting outdoors can boost your mood almost instantly. I think we’re intrinsically connected to nature. Like we get closer to God being outdoors in creation as opposed to man-made buildings. Maybe that’s me being a hippie. Who knows? Give it a try and see if it works for you.
Other ways your physical surroundings impact your mood include your home and work space. If you’re anything like me, a tidy space probably makes you less stressed. When I come home and see my house a mess, I turn into a bear. I’ve had conversations with my family about this, and bless their hearts they do try to clean before I get home, it’s just not usually to my standard – and that is a whole other sermon. Ha!
But if a tidy space is important to you, then get to tidying! If you can splurge on it, I highly recommend a cleaning service. And if not, then tackle it on a weekend and then just do a small bit each day to maintain it. If you have older kids – put those sweet babies to work! It builds character, I promise. When your space is clear, your mind is clear, and when your mind is clear, you’re less likely to be in a funk.
And finally, when’s the last time you had a change of scenery? I know we can’t just up and take vacations every time we get in a bad mood. Boy, wouldn’t that be the life! But we can implement habits that change our scenery from time to time. If all we do is wake up in a house that may or may not be a joyful place, and then go to a job that may not be a joyful place, that doesn’t leave a lot or room for a blissful surrounding. Create a place you can escape to for some solitude, prayer, a good cry, or just a few moments of silence. This could be your backyard. It could be a quiet drive down a country road (I love a good drive – it’s good for the soul!). It could be a trip to your local gym to get in a good workout and be surrounded by people working to better themselves – I could go on a whole sermon with this too, whoo! It could be a walk at the end of the workday to decompress and practice some gratitude. Whatever this is for you, use it as a time to get positive. Let it be your place where you recharge and get clear and focused. And happy!
I hope you will find these tips on building blissful surroundings helpful and put some to use if you don’t already! I can’t promise you days full of nothing but happiness. I still come home from work and turn into a bear most of the time. BUT, I have the tools to change my surroundings and in turn, fix my bear attitude.
Give these a try and let me know what you think!
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